Tuesday, 30 May 2017

When One Door Closes Another One Opens | Moving On

'If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello'

On the 26th May 2017,  an exciting, tiring, bumpy road ended as I left high school after 7 years attending the school I can only praise and thank it for making me into the person I am today but like all good thing's I began to enjoy it most just as it ended.

I began high school like most in Year 7, I was small, shy and seriously unprepared. I remember walking in on the first day just wishing I could be back in primary school with all my friends and the safety I felt walking in through the doors opposed to that first day where everyone and everything appeared loud, big and scary.
I was in a form where I knew nobody and as I sat and looked around I felt that nothing would ever be right again. I know, a bit drastic but I hated and still do hate... CHANGE.
So there I was sitting in the big hall waiting for the new scary principal to walk in and I began to cry. Luckily no one noticed otherwise knowing how cruel children can be to each other everything could have turned out a lot different. But then I met Becky, she was confident, caring and we quickly hit it off and remain best friends to this day and from that moment on I gradually came out of my shell. I made more friends, grew in confidence, began to accept myself, gained new interests and hobbies making me into a happier person. 

Of course, there have also been the upsets, the bumps and the knocks to my confidence. From friendship fallouts, heartbreak and pressures socially and within education but once I made myself realise it happens to everyone and more than likely it won't even matter in a weeks time let alone a few years I took every day as it came. I spent so many days worrying about what people thought of me. If I was pretty enough and what if no one liked me but we have all gone through it and there is really no point stressing over the ifs and the buts. 

I have had some pretty nasty friendship fallouts with a few ending in physical fights which I am completely not proud of but I don't think I have ever parted on bad terms, whilst one person, in particular, I am now back good friends with which I am so glad about as I do truly believe forgiveness was important. Whilst I have only ever had one boyfriend over my high school years it was very long term which I am so glad I experienced but did destroy me as a person for quite a while when it ended that I can only admit now as it was a huge change and reality check that I found very hard to cope with.

Then there are the pressures which I want to focus on a lot so might go into further in a separate post but of course, there are the social pressures, to be pretty enough, to get a boyfriend, to go to all the cool parties. But what if that's not you?  What if you don't conform to society? What if you don't want to conform to society? I definitely didn't but it took me a very long time to stand up for that myself and it definitely made me gain the confidence I have now. Luckily my school is accepting, our morals, our ethics are what we are proud of and I will always remember that but we all still want to be accepted right? 

But I want to focus more on the bump that came along at exam season and my anxiety.

I have anxiety and panic attacks.

It's definitely not something I speak about regularly. I see it as my weakness. It shouldn't be as it makes me braver and stronger every day but without the help from teachers and two, in particular, I would never ever be where I am today and I could never ever thank them enough as I will always be eternally grateful which I hope they would know.
A number of times I have walked out of lessons, assemblies and even exams hoping no one would notice and run to the teachers I knew would understand me and I wouldn't be scared to cry in front of and wouldn't have to worry they would make my panic attack worse like others could. I'm embarrassed to say it as that's not the person I choose to show.
I show the confidence and the laugh it off attitude but as it got worse I cut myself off. I'm way more positive now but it's always there and will always tarnish all of my memories where a day could have been fantastic but was wasted with worry and then was further wasted as I beat myself up about it but there's nothing I can do about that so I will just look forward and try and carry on overcoming it.

So they're the good, the bad and the ugly. But you're probably also wondering why on earth I am writing all this. As I said earlier I hate change and this is one huge change. It's an experience I will never forget that contains some of my most precious memories. It was the place I saw some of the people that mean the most to me every single day. It represented safety and security when everything else was going wrong. I could rely on it always being there and the people inside always being there for me. 
I gained a new insight into the world. From the precious little boy who started in Year 7 as I was in Year 11, who I looked out for, for 3 years that made me burst into tears as I said goodbye, to the teachers always looking out for me, the wonderful friends and learning to accept myself and others like they accept me.

And now all of that is gone.

I have ideas of what my next step could be but have no solid plan whatsoever for next September as I am not going to university and currently don't have a full-time job to go to. I have no idea what results I will get especially with the fact exams are incredibly hard for me to do. I will lose all support I have ever had with my mental health and general well-being.

However, I still feel positive. And why?

Well, I look back to that first day in year 7 when I felt the same that nothing would ever be right and guess what? I couldn't have been more wrong. Secondary school was more than I had ever imagined it could be and I couldn't be happier with the person I am and my confidence to be myself. So what's to say the next steps not going to be even better. Even if it doesn't go exactly as I want I am going to trust in fate as I know I can't live life, based on the ifs and buts like in Year 7.

I have to move on and I am excited.


1 comment:

  1. Glad you had such a good school experience overall - and big deep breath now your exams are over!