Wednesday, 27 September 2017

When Anxiety Takes Over


I may appear like my life is figured out, makeup on, hair done and smile fixed but that doesn't mean I am OK.

I wake up every morning to face something. Something that consumes me. Stops me doing the things I love. Achieving the things I am capable of.

Just because you can't see it what's to say it doesn't exist. 

I have anxiety.

My brain is moving faster than I can comprehend. The thoughts mount up inside me, my heart pounds with every quick inhale and exhale that occurs with every single irrational thought.
I am scared of what may come, what may happen even if there isn't a problem because most of the time there isn't a problem, it doesn't exist there's no reason, no explanation to why every minute lasts forever yet my mind feels as if it is moving faster than time itself.

I bite the inside of my mouth trying to find a solution, a way to get myself out, I blame myself and think I am crazy. My hands shake, my foot taps, whilst I play with a piece of hair and fidget in my seat. Before I realise it...

 I have lost control.

Lost control of what is right, what is reality and most of all what I am doing.

My words are meaningless, with no thought behind them, I can't concentrate, as all I can think of is my own voice, my own thoughts. Drowning out all that is real, telling me- ' I am ill', 'I am trapped' or ' I am alone' they are getting louder and faster by every moment. But...

When will it stop.

This is a bad day, a bad hour or just a few minutes, where I feel there's no way out of a vicious cycle. These days will pass and good ones come too, and I am lucky the good appear more than the bad but just because my thoughts cannot be seen it doesn't mean I am fine.


Sunday, 24 September 2017

My Favourite Nudes | The Lipstick Edit

I feel like it has been FOREVER since I wrote a makeup post on my blog as I lost all inspiration even though I still absolutely love makeup. However, today I am back with something I really really love and that is nudes! ( Nude lipsticks btw. don't get thinking wrongly of me now!) I am particularly loving the browny-pinks and my liquid lipstick collection is growing and growing so I thought I would share a few of my faves. They are all the same kind of tone except one maybe two as I have been loving the shade.

MAC Mehr - By far my absolute favourite! As you can tell it has been worn a lot! I have had it for a round a year and is my most worn lipstick as it just lasts forever on the lips with only one top up needed if its a particularly long day whilst the matte isn't at all drying as it sits comfortably on the lips. At £16.50 its also not the most priciest of lipsticks and I don't think MAC lipsticks can be faulted. The lipstick is mainly a pink nude but does have a slight brown undertone which makes it more of a nude and a gorgeous one at that!

MAC Brave - Keeping with the MAC theme but a relatively new purchase as I only got it back in June, its definitely another favourite and has earned a solid place in my makeup bag. At a first glance it looks exactly like Mehr but as a satin formula it gives a lovely sheen to the lips but without losing any pigmentation. Its also slightly more pink on the lips than Mehr making it a bit more girly opposed to Mehr which is heading more towards the 90's grunge nude lip colours.

Rimmel Stay Matte Liquid Lip Pink Blink - On the more affordable side of around the £5 mark this is another of my favourites and also proves that you don't always have to spend a lot to get a lot. Rimmel has always been my favourite drugstore brand and this doesn't fall short of my expectations the pigmentation is great and lasts on the lips unless eating where I don't expect many lipsticks to stay on perfectly anyway. I would also say the matte formula is comfortable and not sticky or drying.

The Body Shop Matte Lip Liquid Nairobi Camellia - Is another of my favourites as it is my go to when I am after a nude even darker than Mehr. This is the perfect autumnal nude for my skin tone as it is a brown nude with a berry undertone. It is also very affordable again at £6 and the pigmentation and longevity cannot be faulted. However I do find this works even better with a lip liner such as Rimmel East End Snob (Another favourite) as it can then last the full day.

Urban Decay Vice Liquid Lipstick Naked - I bought this specifically for prom and expected it to be more expensive than £15.50 as I am aware high end lipsticks can be sky high prices but the colour is my perfect nude and as the name describes is naked on me making it appear a my lips but better colour. This lasts the best out of all of the liquid lipsticks and the pigmentation is great but it takes a while to dry if applied wrong. However, after a couple of wears I got used to the formula and once on is very nice to wear.

Whats your favourite nude lipstick?


Friday, 22 September 2017

Classic Makeup Look | Red Lips And Liner

Today's video is my go to, glam makeup look. If in doubt I will always reach for these products and create this look as it is a classic. However, if I'm feeling slightly less daring or it doesn't go with my outfit I'll swap the bold red lip for a nude which goes equally as nice and is equally as classic. 

I used a few products I have never mentioned before but all have a place in my makeup bag as they are all gorgeous and never fail me.


The Body Shop Seaweed Moisturiser
The Body Shop InstaBlur Primer
Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer - Green
Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer - Yellow
L'Oreal Infallible Foundation 
Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer - Fair
Maybelline Age Rewind Concealer - Fair
Rimmel Stay Matte Powder - Transparent
Benefit Hoola Bronzer 
Soap & Glory Solar Powder 
Benefit Dandelion Blush
ABH DipBrow Pomade - Soft Brown
Smashbox Ablaze Palette
Zoeva Cocoa Blends Palette
MUG Cocoa Bear Single Shadow
Soap & Glory Supercat Liner 
Maybelline Lash Sensational Mascara 
MAC Russian Red Lipstick 


Wednesday, 20 September 2017

5 Ways To Manage Anxiety

In no way am I an anxiety expert but as I sufferer I feel like I've been there and bought the t-shirt and in some ways, thats better as one thing I never understood when talking to someone about how I felt was how could they ever help me when they had no idea how it felt themselves. It's not just a bit of nerves or something that's just in my head. Its life consuming, it gets in the way of happiness and its all-around rubbish.

But I am luckily getting on the right track. I am in no way recovered as there's no simple cure but I have done things over the past months I didn't think I could ever do and I think it is down to a few of these things.

1. Make sure everything you do is something you want to do.
I didn't really 'want' to do anything but I still knew what I loved and what I enjoyed and what I didn't so in the first few times of going out I made sure they were things I knew I would 100% enjoy and would completely distract me once I started doing it. For me I went horse riding, shopping, walks through the countryside but whilst doing them I made sure there was something there that could potentially provoke my anxiety so I could fight it. By doing something I loved it meant I can pull through the anxiety opposed to doing something I didn't want to do as this would make my anxiety worse. It seems obvious but sometimes it's hard to say no if someone else is unknowingly pressuring you because it's something THEY want to do.

2. Praise yourself
Every day you do something that may provoke anxiety whether it goes good or bad praise you for giving it a go and then...

3. Pamper Yourself
If you've had a particularly bad or even good day as soon as you get home to relax, have a bath, paint your nails as a well done for surviving the day and giving something a go. 

4. Take your mind off the problem
This works particularly well if you know what's causing the problem as by reading, colouring, watching a film or doing something you particularly enjoy you can put everything else out of your mind and you might even forget about it completely. I started a project which was scrapbooking as it distracted me whilst I cut things out and stuck things in but also it encouraged me to do things so I had something to put in there.

5. Take small steps
If a train is the worst place for your anxiety don't just jump straight on a train as this could severely knock your confidence. Build the foundations first. I made this mistake but the second time around I built myself up. For me, busy cramped public spaces are a nightmare so I started off on a short busy bus journey to a quiet park to relax until now where I went on a two-hour train journey. I also caught trains I knew wouldn't be busy. I still haven't completely conquered the anxiety but small steps are really a great way to cope.


Sunday, 17 September 2017

My Autumn/Winter Wishlist

Every time autumn/winter stock hits the shelves my eyes are way bigger than my purse and I just want to buy everything in every colour. My favourite clothes to wear are burgundy, dirty pink and burnt orange (of course not all at the same time) but those colours basically sum up Autumn plus the staple monochrome pieces so I have created a wish list of the things I plan, hope or dream to buy.

Shearling Coat -
Tartan Scarf (similar) - Primark
Tan Skirt - Newlook 
Purple Skirt - H & M
Burgundy Jumper - Newlook
Charlotte Tilbury Lipstick - Pillowtalk
Charlotte Tilbury Lipstick - Glastonberry
Ankle Boots - H & M
Adidas Superstars White & Rose Gold


Friday, 15 September 2017

Primark Haul

Over the past week or two, I have done a lot of shopping, especially in Primark as they are killing it at the moment! So I thought I would share a few things in a haul on my very new YouTube channel. I hope you enjoy and don't forget to subscribe!


Wednesday, 13 September 2017

My Anxiety Story

 I have anxiety and panic attacks. 

Ever since I can remember I had never been the most outgoing child. I remember never wanting to go to things on my own such as clubs like Rainbows or Brownies or swimming as I would cry when my parents tried to leave. I also wasn't the sort to go to birthday parties of people in my class or go out to places that I didn't know. This continued the whole time whilst I was growing up but it is only now that I can see it links. Such as once the night before going on holiday I remember vividly getting myself worked up to the extent that I thought I was dying and my parents phoned a doctor as they thought I was actually ill. This I now know was a panic attack. So that was when I was 7 and gradually they got worse, more frequent. Then they got better. I thought. But I hadn't 'grew out of them' they just changed. 

I didn't have a panic attack from the age of 10 to 14 that I can remember but my anxiety never subsided I just avoided certain things. I still felt ill every time I went anywhere even if it was just town. I would feel like I was choking as my mouth was so dry and my stomach would backflip more times than I could cope with but I knew if I backed out of going I could stop it and therefore didn't panic.

However, I couldn't avoid every thing forever. So at the age of 14/15, I got my first boyfriend, I had changed my group of friends and I started to feel happy within my school but it also meant I wanted to start doing things. Visit the cinema, go shopping, go on 'dates' like a normal 15-year-old. This is where I started to have panic attacks. I remember I met my friends in town to go to the cinema and on the bus just as I did when I was young I felt choked, I couldn't breathe and I felt sick. I remember I reached the town and just as we went to catch the next bus I knew I had to get away. I felt like if I stayed there something bad would happen. Of course, I hadn't told my friends I suffered from anxiety as I didn't really know myself at that point but some how I managed to leave and get home.

This continued to happen and worsen rapidly. I split up with my boyfriend after a year, my friendship group fell apart then all of a sudden I faced GCSEs. Whilst I was in the friendship group, every day at school was happy and I loved going to the extent I didn't miss a single day even when I virtually had flu. My attitude to school quickly changed when I found I was friends with different people and my first small panic attack within school happened in a GCSE mock exam a few hours after I broke up with my boyfriend. Everyone says high school relationships don't matter but at the time it does. And it very much did. I remember sitting there and just wanting to leave the room as I felt isolated and suffocated but by half way through I began to concentrate on the paper and managed to get a good result so didn't think anything else of it and continued but there was something different at school. I felt judged and I couldn't cope. 

After the summer holidays, I had a fresh start and seemed fine until the December mocks when I sat down for the first exam of maths. Before I went in I felt unusually nervous, unlike before I wasn't joining in with my friends singing Christmas songs but still insisted I was ok. That was before I sat down and I suddenly started to shake, cry and my throat tightened. It was the worst panic attack I had, had for years and it felt, unlike anything that had happened before. I felt trapped. I asked to leave but the teacher just took me outside for two minutes then told me to return. I still couldn't cope, I would slightly relax outside and then when I returned it got worse. I asked again and was told to doodle on the back of the paper to distract myself. I was so conscious I was disturbing people around me and just wanted to get out and after four attempts I was taken out and got to sit the remainder of the exam on my own in a separate room where a teacher who specialised in students needs. When she spoke to me after I realised it was a panic attack and all of a sudden I didn't have to go back into the exam hall and could sit my exams else where which relieved me and I didn't realise how much of a burden it had been. I still had very high anxiety over exams as I believed that I could still panic. My anxiety was also making my grades drop as I hadn't been concentrating so I had added pressure to catch up. Once my GCSE's were finished I began to regain some of my old passion, ambition and motivation as I passed them. I didn't reach my target grades but I knew that with all I had coped with I had done amazingly. 

Year 12 seemed to pass ok until I reached the exams and I returned to the exam hall which led to high anxiety beforehand but luckily only a very minor panic attack in one, however, this dramatically affected my grades so opposed to reaching a BBB I scraped a C in English and D's in the others. The exams severely knocked my confidence and I started to have regular panic attacks and didn't go anywhere in the summer holiday between Year 12 and Year 13.

Year 13 is where my anxiety got the worst it has ever been in my life and it has possibly been the worst and best year of my life. I began the year with the worst start possible and refused to go in for the first week as my anxiety was so bad I fully believed I was ill. I lost weight, I looked ill and lost all motivation. I finally managed to get into school for lessons but refused to go in when I had free periods and didn't do any extra curricular activities such as trips as coaches always increased my anxiety after a panic attack on one due to someone being sick and I have emetophobia too. So after missing numerous days off I decided I needed to take action so my mom started a quest to get a separate room for my exams which took so long and in the process added so much stress onto me that I started panicking more regularly in school as the school was also making me go to sessions to help my anxiety which was actually making it worse. I couldn't concentrate in lessons as I feared the next panic attack or time a teacher would bombard me with questions. I was making myself feel physically drained and this continued from around October, worsening in January/ February where I reached a place I never want to be again until March when all the problems had been solved. Except one and that was the devastating effect all of that had had on my already deteriorating mental health. The damage was left and I couldn't move on. I also had to face all the stress of A Level's which I just couldn't cope with. Nothing went well.

However, now I can say I am doing good. Once my horrendous A Levels passed I could concentrate on me. I then went to a job interview which meant the world to me and their feedback to why I didn't get the job was 'i was too nervous' of course this was my anxiety but I hadn't told them and this kick started my aim to recover or be able to manage the anxiety. As I couldn't keep missing opportunities because of it. I then didn't do as well in my A Levels this year as last years grades were combined and brought them down leaving me in a tricky position which you can read about HERE if you also didn't get the results you wanted.

Now I am me. Occasionally I think ooh there's that feeling but I can manage it. I have been on holidays with friends to new places which I wouldn't before, gone on trains, gone to concerts, saw new things and most importantly said YES!

Yes, I can, Yes, I am and Yes, I will!

I'm in a great place now with my mental health and even though I have some regrets because I loved school and certain things ruined the experience as I missed out on things I might never get the chance to do again. I am re sitting my A Levels but...

I can't replay or change the past but I certainly won't let it repeat itself. 

Onwards and upwards!


Sunday, 10 September 2017

Malteser Cupcakes

 Every year when The Great British Bake Off hits the TV screens it immediately makes me want to bake again plus I absolutely love baking when its cosy inside and the weather is dismal outside which  is exactly what it is like in the UK at the moment and I'm not complaining! These cupcakes are possibly the easiest things to make with an all in one method and none of the toppings need to be made!


For the cake:
 175g Butter
150g Caster Sugar
1tbsp Golden Syrup
2 Eggs
5 tbsp Milk
150g Self Raising Flour
25g Cocoa Powder

Malteser Chocolate Spread
1 Bag of Maltesers


Preheat the oven to 180°c

I started making the cupcakes by measuring all the cake ingredients (Thats everything but the maltesers and spread) into one big bowl and mixed them all together into a lump free, glossy consistency. 

TOP TIP: Make sure to sieve the cocoa powder and flour otherwise it can be grainy!  

Then the mix is done told you it was easy!!

I then spooned the mixture into 12 cupcake cases making sure each case had an equal quantity in.

Depending on the oven they take around 30 - 35 minutes to bake. 

Once cooled, I used 1 tea spoon of Malteser Chocolate spread  to decorate the tops and spread using the back of the teaspoon. It really doesn't have to be perfect!

I then chopped each malteser into half - again can't be perfect as some crumbled quite a bit but that adds to the effect! - I then placed two maltesers onto the top of each cake.

Finally... Enjoy!

Let me know if you try making these yummy scrummy cupcakes!


Friday, 8 September 2017

I Started YouTube!

This video has definitely been in the making for a few years and today I have taken the plunge! I really really hope I don't embarrass myself and everyone enjoys it and subscribes because I am unbelievably nervous. Even though I know there's nothing to really be worried about except maybe the fact everyone might not like me ahhh!
Please, please, please leave suggestions below of how I could improve and any video suggestions as I want to make content both me and you will enjoy.


Sunday, 3 September 2017

Photo Diary | Liverpool

One of my main aims for summer was to go to a new place and travel somewhere with friends so that's exactly what I did and it took me to Liverpool. The home of amazing music, beautiful architecture and idyllic views. 
I expected Liverpool to be nice but it really was wonderful and I would recommend anyone to go not only for its history which I embraced through countless museums and of course the renowned Cavern Club but the atmosphere is lovely, not too busy, but still alive. Whilst there we stayed in the centre of Liverpool which was great for easy access to everything and ate at some of the cutest cafes including The Brunch Club and Bills whilst in the evening we went to a cocktail bar called Revolutions which does the most amazing food too. Of course, as a blogger, I was very pleased the decor of the places were aesthetically stunning.
I would also recommend St John's Beacon if you don't mind heights as it gives a great 360 view of the city from around 400ft high. The tour bus is also fantastic as it goes around the city and gives an overview. I went on this as soon as we got there as it gave us a better idea of where we would like to visit properly and how we would get there. 

Have you taken a mini break this summer?