Wednesday, 16 May 2018

My Anxiety Story: One Year On

A year ago I wrote a post... 

... My Anxiety Story. I wrote it with no intention of people reading it but for my own benefit. To help sort my head out, get everything out that had been causing anxiety, to try and look at it logically, find the cause. The root of the problem. It took me months to post but when I did I had such a lovely response it really pushed me into getting on the road to recovery. 

I had the idea to create this blog post to see just how much I had changed.
I would lay it out the same, include a similar photo 1 year on, write it off the top of my head, not go back and edit anything.

Exactly how I did this time last year.

Think of it as a response, speaking back to my 'old self'... As that's what I call it.

 'My Old Self' 

It's weird really as at the time I thought that was me forever. An introverted, self-conscious person who's anxiety defined them. Before beginning to write this blog post I read my old post. Link HERE (I'd advise reading it so this makes a little bit more sense) Now reading my old post makes me a bit emotional, not because of what I wrote but knowing how I felt when all those things were happening. However, I could sense my own determination and optimism as I knew the day I posted that blog post I would begin to recover. 

So, what happened after that blog post?

I had my A Level's remarked and passed! That was a huge relief as it meant I didn't have to sit another torturous exam. However, life still wasn't perfect. The adjustments to my new life knocked my confidence, all the change was very stressful plus I had added stress from other areas in my life which nearly made me back into the shell of a person I was two, three years ago. But then...

I worked a lot! I got my name out there, I went to endless opportunities, interesting interviews, meetings, volunteer positions and training schemes. I took it as a year out from expectations - which you can read more about HERE. I had missed the chance to go to university, I didn't really fancy it anyway nor college and I just wanted to make sure the career option was right for me. 

I then passed my driving test (after a very long time of trying) and bought myself a car, I changed my social circles making loads of new friends and surrounding myself with people I loved to spend time with doing things I loved. 

I then got myself an amazing job, one I would have only dreamt of this time last year. It truly is great so I am glad I didn't end up following the traditional idea of college and university. With all those things going on I don't have time to think. I had shifted my focus on to things that were so positive.

But...

Why is there always a but? I could have just ended it there but recovery is a rollercoaster, a very fast one with a heck of a lot of highs, lows, twists and, turns. There were moments during this time though when I wasn't happy. Moments I thought why am I not happy, everything is great. I'm in a position some people would dream to be in. I'm in the position I dreamed of being in. Why am I not happy?! But it soon became clear why it's because it's my mental health there will always be lows. Moments from the past that catch up with me. Things people might have said, things people might do that take me back to the time. The time that wasn't good.

My mental health has scarred me and that's something else I will have to deal with. The mental scars I can't get rid of but have to push past. Have to keep working on. No one said it would be easy. 

Through working on my mental health I have managed to do so much that I would never have been able to do before which I try to remember. Looking how far I've come in a year is what keeps me going. I can jump on a train or a bus without a second glance, I have visited concerts, arenas, surrounded myself with crowds of people. I have partied, lived my life how I want and not looked back.

There's always going to be those moments of 'here it is again' but I just carry on living by the saying.

Yes, I Can! Yes, I Am! and Yes, I Will!

I feel like I'm in an even better place with my mental health, I know the problems could come back but theres not point worrying about the future no one knows what will happen. I still have regrets from things I missed out on but I'm living in the present and making up for it now as best as I can. 

I've taken the small steps and know I'm striding to the future. 

♥︎ 

2 comments:

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