Autumn Walks & Autumn Thoughts
Last week, the rain had stopped, the leaves had fallen and the morning air was crisp. I also needed to clear my mind so I took myself and this beautiful husky for a walk in the local park. After a busy, busy week at work the calm of the wind in the tree's and the still lake was the perfect scene, to have a deep think.
Work, Relationships & my little brain - The three aspects of life that seem to be all I can think about at the moment...
I have never been happier at work, the little office in the countryside, the amazing people, the dogs and the role are all idyllic. I accepted the full time role because it was a dream place to work. Pure graft and tenacity led to getting that job and I'm so proud that I've finally got to the place I wanted to be at this time of life but I'd be lying if I didn't put pressure on myself to do above and beyond what's expected.
Before this job, I was living in a constant state of stress that I couldn't get enough freelance work in - this was never the case as I'd often find myself running between jobs not wanting to say no - but the thought was always there. And even prior to this it is a known fact that after the shake up in radio I was lost and it was the main cause in my mental health going back to the unhealthy state it had been when I was a teen. With the new job I am so happy but anxiety easily creeps back in.
My anxieties have still been uncontrollable, with the fear something may go wrong, an undeniable sense of loneliness. Recently, everyone has had their person, their priority and I'm not that to anyone making me feel like a hopeless case of needy. It's embarrassing to say that in my 20's I'm scared of being lonely worsened by the time of year. A time for cuddles, cute dates and happy memories. I have well and truly become the third wheel of my friends.
I thought the walk may clear my head, to sort my thoughts but these things are hard to change. I need to love myself, and change my thought patterns. Maybe the people I thought were making me happy are having the opposite affect. I can't continue to let my anxieties and worries taint the good but I've also realised this can't happen over night. From now my happiness needs to be the priority.